and I’m sorry for talking to you on here rather than texting you back. But please. You can’t talk to me anymore. I’ve been begging you. If I’m ever going to get better I’ve got to stop regressing. Every time we talk all the progress I’ve made goes out the window. I haven’t made very much progress at all. I do care about you and about pep. of course I do. I care more than anything. But I can’t have contact with you yet. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready. I need to heal. I’ve never gotten that chance. I know you’re hurting and you have a lot going on, but I hope you tap into your potential and grow strong and heal and learn too. I love you beyond who you are, I love you for what I know you will be, if you put in the effort. But I’ve learned that no matter how much I tell you you’re worth the effort, nothing will change until you believe that about yourself. any relationship between us can’t exist as we are right now. It will eventually kill us. and while I’d rather die than not be with you at this point, that is not healthy. We have to be secure just being with ourselves. Without eachother. before there can be a relationship. We are two addicts hooked on eachother. Or at least, I’m addicted to you. And that’s not healthy and its not how to build a successful relationship. I miss you every second of every day and I’m in the deepest depression of my life. I’ve never been so low. I’ve never been so suicidal. I’ve never felt so hopeless. But I am getting help and I’m listening to what professionals are telling me. I’m not getting rid of you, I’m becoming okay with me. I’ve never been okay with myself and I’ve never felt secure. You asked me to block your number last week and I’m sorry that I didn’t do that. You know yourself and I guess you knew you’d contact me. But like I said. Even if pep dies I can’t talk to you. I wish so much that I could be there for you and help you through this. So bad. But I can’t. I’m a mess and messes can’t help other messes without making everything messier. So, please. Let’s heal. both of us. work toward getting better. All I want is you. But thats not whats best for me right now. I HAVE to get better or I’ll die. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t live this way. I can’t be anxious and depressed and angry. I can’t wake up every morning in hell just because you’re not next to me. Until I’m through all of the hurt you’ve caused me, and until you’re through all the hurt I’ve caused you, we can’t talk. look at what happened when I called you last week. We just screamed at eachother. We’re both still angry, we’re not healed, and you’ve not really been trying to get better since everything happened. You owe more than that to yourself. Keep getting help. Keep going through therapy. Believe in your abilities. Don’t waste your life. You’re so amazing and valuable, but you’re not going to take that anywhere until you believe that about yourself. I’ve learned that I can’t help you anymore. I never could help you. You can’t be helped until you believe you CAN be helped. I beg you to invest in yourself. But know that I am not ignoring you because I don’t care. Its the oposite. It’s because I care too much. I care an unhealthy amount. I see myself doing something unhealthy and I want so badly to get better. I have to get better or I’ll kill myself. I’ll talk to you when I’m no longer angry and hurt and panicing. I’m starting a new pill tomorrow so maybe that will help, but this is going to be a long process. I know you say you’re waiting for me, and I don’t know that I believe that. But dont tell me you are and have it be a lie. there are enough lies between us. I can’t tell you that we’re going to get back together once I’m better. But I can tell you that the only way we could get back together is after we’ve both come a lonnng way as far as growing from this. Being with you has taught me a lot. I hope you learn and grow from this time apart. Who knows about the future, Rodney. I think we both hope for the same thing. But there’s only one way to get there. And there’s no quick fix. Heal. Please. I promise you’ll hear from me once I’ve done the same. I swear to god. I love you.
we just talked. After all the screaming last night and everything that reminded me why we can’t work, I still love you. And I still want nothing more than for the both of us to get better so we can be together. But if one of us gets better and the other doesn’t it still won’t work. You are worth more than this. Hold yourself to the value you deserve. It breaks my heart to watch you give up on yourself the way you have. I know as many times as I say it it’s still not gonna make a difference. but maybe one night when you’re missing me, you can think about the things I’ve told you and realize it’s the only way for you to have a good life. With or without me. Don’t choose a terrible life. don’t choose death. Choose a good life. Work toward a good life. You deserve it. I still think you’re amazing.
that no one is ready for a relationship until they are okay enough with themselves to be alone. Relationships don’t validate people, people validate themselves. Any relationship before this point of enlightenment is doomed from the getgo. It’s a quick fix. Life isn’t truly lived by chasing the next high. It’s lived by accepting your pain while you’re in it, and being okay with it. You have to welcome pain and know how to deal with it alone, without drugs, alcohol, or another person before you can take on someone else. Maybe we are soulmates, but we won’t find out until were not eachothers drug. Once you aren’t a drug to me, I’ll contact you and let you know. But for now I am a hopeless addict just trying to recover. I pray that you learn from this and do the same. Don’t wait for me. Wait for you. Get better for you. If it’s fated, it will happen. I trust in god to show me the way.
it sets my healing back so far. Please. Please. If you love me like you say… Please under no circumstances short of you or someone in yor family dying should you contact me. We both have shit to work on. I think your victory over tms is great. But that was the least of our problems. I love you very much and I wish you the best. But I can’t have contact with you. You say were soulmates. If that’s tre then we will be together again. No matter what. Becase it’s fate. So let me heal. And we will see what fate has in store for us beyond our pain.At this point all I can say is I will contact you when I’m healed. You have no reaon to talk to me unless someone is dying. DYING. And if you do again, ill never speak to you again. That’s a promise. I NEED this. I NEED to get better. Please let me. Please. If you believe so strongly in fate then give yourself up to it’s will. If its meant to be it will be. But my number one priority isn’t fate rigt now, it’s just being okay. And you talking to me makes me worse. Why wouldn’t you want me to get better instead of worse? So, no excuses, no buts ifs or ands. Please don’t talk to me again. Please.
i NEEEED space. please. If we’re ever going to be friends I need space. please. I’m begging you. I know this is hard and I hate it too. But leaving me texts telling me to “man up” isn’t helping anything. Anger isn’t helping anything. I accept that I love you and I accept what was beautiful about our relationship and I accept that you are beautiful. But I have to accept that I will never trust you again and therefore I cannot be with you. I told you all of this. I told you I just want a beautiful goodbye where we don’t hurt eachother anymore. I dont want anymore hate, anger, or pain. I just want us to accept that we loved eachother but that we can’t be together. I’m so sorry that you read what I wrote. I’m so sorry. But your anger isn’t getting either of us anywhere. Belittling me just reminds me why we can’t be together. So, I love you, but every new number you call me on I’m going to block. Because I can’t be hurt again by you. and because i dont want to hurt you either. every time I think of you or something you did that hurt me, I remind myself that I’ve done wrong and I send you love and I wish you joy. And that’s the truth. I just want you to be happy. And I’m not trying to be petty by blocking you. I told you i’d unblock you but you didn’t leave me alone. And I just need to be left alone or I’ll never heal. And thats why I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t talk to you, but I need this. Okay? i do love you. more than you’ll ever know. And I’m not moving on, but not because I’m holding out for you to be my hero. Because I could never hurt someone by being with them while I’m still in love with you. I need to heal. You’re making me worse. And thats why this all ended in the first place. Is because we make eachother worse. So this is how it’s got to be. If there is ever an emergency I’ll be there in a flash *unless you try to kill yourself. I won’t be there for that because I can’t teach you that every time you wind up hospitalized I’ll come running, or else you will take advantage of that and do it to get me to come back. I just need you to understand this. I need space. For a long time. To heal. for a LONG time, rodney. Not a week, not a month. For a LONG time. There are so many wounds that keep reopening and I just want to be better. That’s all I want. Is to be better. I love you and I really hope you find happiness and contentment. But this anger is not love. I send you love a million times a day. whenever I think of you I send you love and hope. But we’ve got to fix ourselves.
why do you keep calling me after I begged you not to call me anymore? I told you maybe we can be friends one day in a long time after we have both healed. hearing your voice call me babe just sets me backward, and judging by how angry rather than sorry you felt by reading this (which I’m so sorry, I honestly didn’t think you’d read this I haven’t updated it in over a year, I figured you’d have looked a month ago when we first broke up and not cared cause it was all so old. The intention of this wasn’t for me to upset you or for you to find it. It was just to vent. If you notice, I pick at all your flaws and none of mine on here. And that’s because I’m just venting frustration and anger rather than looking at the situations from every angle.) I didn’t pick up because it was 3am and I sleep through the night now thanks to xanax. I also didn’t pick up because I told you I’m not going to pick up. I thought you agreed that you’d only call me if there was an emergency. I had a panic attack last night because I was shopping with alie and court in ann arbor and I was SURE I’d see you there on a date with some new boy and you’d make out with him in front of me to get back at me. Which would crush me and since I crushed you you NEED me to be crushed for revenge. Please don’t hurt me anymore. My intuition about these things is normally spot on, so I’m pretty sure you were either there or planning to go there. OR that you were on a date and or courting some new internet boy.I have been hurt so many times that I’m a shell of myself, but you kept going and never stopped and it’s not fair. Even if you do move on, at least I’ll know thats the last time you can hurt me. I had to choose between a life of constant pain, or a few months of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and then no more pain. I chose the first for far too long. This is my heart, I don’t deserve the disrespect. Inside myself I want to believe you’re really holding out for me forever like you said you would. But you are you and you move on quickly to your next void-filler. I urge you to learn to live in your pain so that you can deal with it. It’s terrible, it’s not fun… but not everyone uses drugs, alcohol, or people to get through their hardships. And they make it through their pain without hurting anyone. I’m not criticizing or judging you. Just as someone who cares about you, I wish you could find better vices. But look at how nothing’s changed. You read something full of things you’ve done that have hurt me and you get pissed and leave me an angry voicemail rather than an “I’m sorry I did all those things” voicemail. You haven’t changed. So there is really no chance for us, because if you can’t change then neither of us will, and neither would the relationship. I wish you could let go of your anger and just talk about feelings, but you can’t. You wouldn’t let me in, and you took it all out on me. And it’s not fair to either of us, Rodney. I know you know this decision is right, too. We can’t be together. We’re a toxic mix. And I’m so sorry that you had to read all the angry things that I said about you, you didn’t deserve it and that was not my intention, I swear to god. I will find a new place to vent where you can’t be hurt by it. Please stop calling me, it ruins my days (Which are already bad enough) every time because I get panicy and can’t walk because my legs shake and I can’t see straight. I’m not over you, and to talk to me before I’m at least over this situation (because god knows if I’ll ever get over you) is not fair to me. I need space and you need to give it to me out of repsect for the love we had. please. please. leave me alone. please. also i changed it so you can’t see my pictures not because of you, but because of my aunt and grandma stalking my facebook. I wanted you to know that.
goodbye, please. I do love you and I always will. we just can’t be together. I’m sorry babe.
about when I started crying while we fooled around that one time and I couldn’t stop. And how you walked out. You left me. It pissed you off that I was sad. You didn’t stay and hold me. You just left. Even though I asked you to stay. I cried for like an hour. Naked. Alone in your bed. And also. Howu yo bought me roses…twce. When you knew I hated them. I had told you on multiple occasions that I hated roses. I like birds of paradise. But you never listened or cared enogh about me to take my interests into account. You may have even said ‘i know you don’t like roses but…’.. THEN WHY BUY THEM? Why not get me the thoughtful and considerate gift I deserved? You didn’t want to get to know or love me and me alone. You weren’t in love with me. this is how and why you cheated and lied to me. what you did shows clearly that you didnt love me. you used me. and you dont miss me. you miss how i boosted your ego and how i was so devoted to you that even after you threatened me at knifepoint multiple times, i stayed.You were in love with how in love with you i was. And that makes me want to die.
because I’m out doing things that should be fun. And I pretend like they’re fun. God I’m so good at faking it. Because they’re not fun. I do enjoy myself. Sometimes. But never without the pang of missing you. I can’t be fully happy without you. But you were the one who left in the first place and maybe we should both trust your instincts. maybe no matter what we do it never would have worked. you WANTED to leave. Don’t forget that. I wanted you to stay. You wanted to leave. And you did. And mistake or not, this is where we are because of it. But you WANTED it. I don’t want this, but now I have no choice. I had to walk away. It got ruined. I hate that this is where we are. I hate that this is where I am. everything I should enjoy is marred by this. I miss you all the time. I had to call kelly today before my first day back at work and just ask her to help and support me because I didn’t think I could go in.and I went in, and I was miserable .the whole time. but I made my cole jokes and worked my cole personality. But inside i was exhausted. I was so sad. I am sad. I hate this. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine. I want you, but I’m not giving in this time.
if you ever cared I wouldn’t have had to ASK you to delete your facebook or any of those things. I know I made some big mistakes but I think a fine difference between you and I is that I took responsibility for mine and I made sure not to repeat them. I also felt so wracked with guilt the TWO times that I lied to you that I HAD to confess after awhile because I couldn’t keep it in. I don’t know why I ever felt a moral obligation to you. Ever. I certainly didn’t owe you that. One year ago yesterday was the literal worst day of my life. Today might be worse because I don’t have you anymore. But today I am much stronger. I have to stand up for myself and give credit where credit is due. I have to use logic. If you really wanted to get back together after I was in the hospital you would have gotten offline because you know THATS what put me in the fucking hospital. If you were really so lovingly devoted to me like you are in my fucked up mind, where you’re still waiting for me to come back then you wouldn’t be taking pictures of your new haircut for all your facebook friends to see. And this is why we aren’t together.I have to remind myself every day why I’m not with you and it’s such a painful thing to do because it means I have to rehash all of the memories of the terrible things you’ve done and remind myself why our relationship couldn’t work. I’d love to say it’s because I am still too paranoid that you’d cheat or lie or hurt me. But look at the evidence. The truth is that you WOULD. Look at your track record. You don’t know how to treat someone you love. OR you just never loved me. What you did to me, that’s not love. The fact that you never felt enough remorse to confess your lies to me without getting caught is NOT love. Who knows what else you did. And I know you lied about “not dating that kid” as a final attempt to instill enough hope in me that I might come back. But I deserve someone who will crawl over broken glass for me after they fuck up. You wouldn’t crawl over cotton balls. You are weak, immature, and have no self control. I was dating a child. Give me a call when you’re a man. But you’ll never read this. And I’m glad. because if you did, you STILL wouldn’t LISTEN.
