and
if you ever cared I wouldn’t have had to ASK you to delete your facebook or any of those things. I know I made some big mistakes but I think a fine difference between you and I is that I took responsibility for mine and I made sure not to repeat them. I also felt so wracked with guilt the TWO times that I lied to you that I HAD to confess after awhile because I couldn’t keep it in. I don’t know why I ever felt a moral obligation to you. Ever. I certainly didn’t owe you that. One year ago yesterday was the literal worst day of my life. Today might be worse because I don’t have you anymore. But today I am much stronger. I have to stand up for myself and give credit where credit is due. I have to use logic. If you really wanted to get back together after I was in the hospital you would have gotten offline because you know THATS what put me in the fucking hospital. If you were really so lovingly devoted to me like you are in my fucked up mind, where you’re still waiting for me to come back then you wouldn’t be taking pictures of your new haircut for all your facebook friends to see. And this is why we aren’t together.I have to remind myself every day why I’m not with you and it’s such a painful thing to do because it means I have to rehash all of the memories of the terrible things you’ve done and remind myself why our relationship couldn’t work. I’d love to say it’s because I am still too paranoid that you’d cheat or lie or hurt me. But look at the evidence. The truth is that you WOULD. Look at your track record. You don’t know how to treat someone you love. OR you just never loved me. What you did to me, that’s not love. The fact that you never felt enough remorse to confess your lies to me without getting caught is NOT love. Who knows what else you did. And I know you lied about “not dating that kid” as a final attempt to instill enough hope in me that I might come back. But I deserve someone who will crawl over broken glass for me after they fuck up. You wouldn’t crawl over cotton balls. You are weak, immature, and have no self control. I was dating a child. Give me a call when you’re a man. But you’ll never read this. And I’m glad. because if you did, you STILL wouldn’t LISTEN.
