shaking right now
why do you keep calling me after I begged you not to call me anymore? I told you maybe we can be friends one day in a long time after we have both healed. hearing your voice call me babe just sets me backward, and judging by how angry rather than sorry you felt by reading this (which I’m so sorry, I honestly didn’t think you’d read this I haven’t updated it in over a year, I figured you’d have looked a month ago when we first broke up and not cared cause it was all so old. The intention of this wasn’t for me to upset you or for you to find it. It was just to vent. If you notice, I pick at all your flaws and none of mine on here. And that’s because I’m just venting frustration and anger rather than looking at the situations from every angle.) I didn’t pick up because it was 3am and I sleep through the night now thanks to xanax. I also didn’t pick up because I told you I’m not going to pick up. I thought you agreed that you’d only call me if there was an emergency. I had a panic attack last night because I was shopping with alie and court in ann arbor and I was SURE I’d see you there on a date with some new boy and you’d make out with him in front of me to get back at me. Which would crush me and since I crushed you you NEED me to be crushed for revenge. Please don’t hurt me anymore. My intuition about these things is normally spot on, so I’m pretty sure you were either there or planning to go there. OR that you were on a date and or courting some new internet boy.I have been hurt so many times that I’m a shell of myself, but you kept going and never stopped and it’s not fair. Even if you do move on, at least I’ll know thats the last time you can hurt me. I had to choose between a life of constant pain, or a few months of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and then no more pain. I chose the first for far too long. This is my heart, I don’t deserve the disrespect. Inside myself I want to believe you’re really holding out for me forever like you said you would. But you are you and you move on quickly to your next void-filler. I urge you to learn to live in your pain so that you can deal with it. It’s terrible, it’s not fun… but not everyone uses drugs, alcohol, or people to get through their hardships. And they make it through their pain without hurting anyone. I’m not criticizing or judging you. Just as someone who cares about you, I wish you could find better vices. But look at how nothing’s changed. You read something full of things you’ve done that have hurt me and you get pissed and leave me an angry voicemail rather than an “I’m sorry I did all those things” voicemail. You haven’t changed. So there is really no chance for us, because if you can’t change then neither of us will, and neither would the relationship. I wish you could let go of your anger and just talk about feelings, but you can’t. You wouldn’t let me in, and you took it all out on me. And it’s not fair to either of us, Rodney. I know you know this decision is right, too. We can’t be together. We’re a toxic mix. And I’m so sorry that you had to read all the angry things that I said about you, you didn’t deserve it and that was not my intention, I swear to god. I will find a new place to vent where you can’t be hurt by it. Please stop calling me, it ruins my days (Which are already bad enough) every time because I get panicy and can’t walk because my legs shake and I can’t see straight. I’m not over you, and to talk to me before I’m at least over this situation (because god knows if I’ll ever get over you) is not fair to me. I need space and you need to give it to me out of repsect for the love we had. please. please. leave me alone. please. also i changed it so you can’t see my pictures not because of you, but because of my aunt and grandma stalking my facebook. I wanted you to know that.
goodbye, please. I do love you and I always will. we just can’t be together. I’m sorry babe.
