of course I care
and I’m sorry for talking to you on here rather than texting you back. But please. You can’t talk to me anymore. I’ve been begging you. If I’m ever going to get better I’ve got to stop regressing. Every time we talk all the progress I’ve made goes out the window. I haven’t made very much progress at all. I do care about you and about pep. of course I do. I care more than anything. But I can’t have contact with you yet. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready. I need to heal. I’ve never gotten that chance. I know you’re hurting and you have a lot going on, but I hope you tap into your potential and grow strong and heal and learn too. I love you beyond who you are, I love you for what I know you will be, if you put in the effort. But I’ve learned that no matter how much I tell you you’re worth the effort, nothing will change until you believe that about yourself. any relationship between us can’t exist as we are right now. It will eventually kill us. and while I’d rather die than not be with you at this point, that is not healthy. We have to be secure just being with ourselves. Without eachother. before there can be a relationship. We are two addicts hooked on eachother. Or at least, I’m addicted to you. And that’s not healthy and its not how to build a successful relationship. I miss you every second of every day and I’m in the deepest depression of my life. I’ve never been so low. I’ve never been so suicidal. I’ve never felt so hopeless. But I am getting help and I’m listening to what professionals are telling me. I’m not getting rid of you, I’m becoming okay with me. I’ve never been okay with myself and I’ve never felt secure. You asked me to block your number last week and I’m sorry that I didn’t do that. You know yourself and I guess you knew you’d contact me. But like I said. Even if pep dies I can’t talk to you. I wish so much that I could be there for you and help you through this. So bad. But I can’t. I’m a mess and messes can’t help other messes without making everything messier. So, please. Let’s heal. both of us. work toward getting better. All I want is you. But thats not whats best for me right now. I HAVE to get better or I’ll die. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t live this way. I can’t be anxious and depressed and angry. I can’t wake up every morning in hell just because you’re not next to me. Until I’m through all of the hurt you’ve caused me, and until you’re through all the hurt I’ve caused you, we can’t talk. look at what happened when I called you last week. We just screamed at eachother. We’re both still angry, we’re not healed, and you’ve not really been trying to get better since everything happened. You owe more than that to yourself. Keep getting help. Keep going through therapy. Believe in your abilities. Don’t waste your life. You’re so amazing and valuable, but you’re not going to take that anywhere until you believe that about yourself. I’ve learned that I can’t help you anymore. I never could help you. You can’t be helped until you believe you CAN be helped. I beg you to invest in yourself. But know that I am not ignoring you because I don’t care. Its the oposite. It’s because I care too much. I care an unhealthy amount. I see myself doing something unhealthy and I want so badly to get better. I have to get better or I’ll kill myself. I’ll talk to you when I’m no longer angry and hurt and panicing. I’m starting a new pill tomorrow so maybe that will help, but this is going to be a long process. I know you say you’re waiting for me, and I don’t know that I believe that. But dont tell me you are and have it be a lie. there are enough lies between us. I can’t tell you that we’re going to get back together once I’m better. But I can tell you that the only way we could get back together is after we’ve both come a lonnng way as far as growing from this. Being with you has taught me a lot. I hope you learn and grow from this time apart. Who knows about the future, Rodney. I think we both hope for the same thing. But there’s only one way to get there. And there’s no quick fix. Heal. Please. I promise you’ll hear from me once I’ve done the same. I swear to god. I love you.
